I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
