Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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