my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
do herpes really smell.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
