i permit you to call me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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