The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
