the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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