Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
