Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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