**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
