He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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