White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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