Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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