My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
