I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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