If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
