At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
