How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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