My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
