It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You left your phone here
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