Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize