She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
