Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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