Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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