You can't motorboat a personality
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
