I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
