You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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