im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
