Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
