I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
