Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
