why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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