i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
