my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.