I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
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I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.