People in love make me want to vomit
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid