Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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