On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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