you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
