I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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