he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
this boner is exhausting
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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