Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
