2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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