Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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