Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
