I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
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In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's shark week go big or go home
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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