connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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