smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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