you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
