The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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