I wish my penis had an off switch
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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