Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Is Oprah even human
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
