exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
