Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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