I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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