remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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