btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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