Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
