So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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