Apparently you make a good broom.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
