sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just fell off a train. Bad.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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