at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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