Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We named our party play list daddy issues
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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